Today, I woke up at 8:05am and while rubbing out the crusty mucus deposits around my eyes a clear thirty minutes after I was supposed to already be at work hitting the keyboard, I was overcome with a feeling of helplessness. I got dressed without taking a shower and made my way to the fish tank still half asleep to feed those little creatures who are so dependent on me for their very survival. As I sprinkled the fish food flakes into the tank of water, a veritable glass prison, I tried to imagine what those little fish might be thinking.
Cleo, you, a Gold Gurami with beautiful orange and neon blue color, oh I had such plans for you, I was going to get a guy-fish for you…maybe we could have gotten you a plaster cast castle in a respectable corner of the tank, next to the hard working sucker fish that keep the glass clean, the schools are really good in that part of tank-town, or so they tell me. You and your guy-fish could have had your 2.5 or 20 fish fry and eked out a beautiful life in that warm corner of the English Basement. Could have, would have, should have…that is until I found out yesterday that beautiful Cleo IS actually a guy-fish…that nerdy fish specialist at the local Pets-Mart sure knew how to quash my designs for fish utopia. So, today, Cleo has been renamed Leo, because as the “deciderer” of all things fishy, I said so - that’s why. Their fate is in my hands, if I forget to feed them for a couple of days, they will die - and I’m a known fish killer, having dispatched my twins’ fish a couple of months ago - I am to be feared. Their purpose in life is to entertain me, how sad. Then, I thought to myself, wait, I am not in control of my own life…my life, and my busy schedule controls me, and that is sad.
So, as I watched the two red tipped Tetra’s rudely brush by Cleo, I mean Leo, and pounce on the food in a shark-like manner, I made a determination to do my part to attain that Uber Man status that Friedrich Nietzsche prophesized about over a hundred years ago. We control our own fate, of this I’m certain. Sure, genetics and environment have something to do with one’s ultimate success in life, but once those cards are dealt it is up to us to make the most of what we’ve been given. Through self discovery and self awareness it is up to us to identify our weaknesses and our strengths in our genetic makeup and to build a life within our pre-determined environment that takes those factors into consideration. So, I just need to get off my lazy ass and do something about it. I won’t wait for someone or something to “save” me, instead like those red tipped Tetra’s I will fight for every scrap I can find on the floor, any clue that helps me attain greater self awareness, greater discipline to achieve the goals I have set aside for myself.
So, if I am to become that Uber Man, or Mini-Uber Man, I will need to lay out all the areas of my life that require improvement. Let’s see, maybe I’ll focus on these categories and break them down into more manageable themes: Day Job, Parenting, Self-Improvement and Business…that should cover it. Day Job: I will motivate and actually get some work done before Friday comes around otherwise, that project due at the end of November will bite me in the ass. Parenting: I will try to participate in the lives of my kids more often. Maybe, I will try to volunteer during the school day once and a while - need to look into that. I will work on more educational projects with them - similar to the Paper Mache Volcano. I will take them on day trips to get them to spend quality time with me and my parents and find a way to set aside all the road blocks and excuses that my Ex has put into place to prevent me from doing so. Self-Improvement: I will do some sort of self-improvement activity throughout the week to keep my mind and body balanced. Business: I will work on getting my online business back on track and take the necessary steps to create new online businesses…after all, these online businesses are my ticket out of this 40 Hour Labor Camp.
By the time I made it into work at 8:30am, I did not feel very guilty about my tardiness however, maybe because I knew that the Warden was out attending some meeting in another state and wouldn’t return until after lunch. Okay, I will implement these steps to improve my life, starting on Friday…Wait, I’m taking a day off on Friday - I’ll label that part of my “Self-Improvement”…Okay, starting this next Monday the Mini-Uber Man shall rise from the ashes.
Today I submitted my “Third Quarter Accomplishments” for work, a creative writing exercise justifying to my boss why I should still remain gainfully employed. Once upon a time, I would have stressed out about this task, now I don’t try to justify myself, my work or my views to anyone anymore…well, at least not as much as I have done in the past. What changed? I’m not sure. I think a lot has to do with my perspective on life and my evolving definition of what is important. That book by Richard Carlson, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and Its All Small Stuff” comes to mind. Now, I have never read that book, but it does sound like a good read if you’re into self-help books (which I’m not). Anyway, I do appreciate the premise that “it’s all small stuff” in the end.
So although I do stress out to varying degrees about my mortgage, my growing debt, the emotional stability of my Ex, and the welfare and health of my Kids, my girlfriend’s future, the prosperity of my online business, improving my tennis game, and keeping my day job (to the extent that I appreciate still having one), I also realize that I have limited control over any of these things – okay, except maybe my tennis game. In the past I tried to control every aspect of my life and attempted to live up to the “ideal” that my parents had brainwashed me into believing as normal. My parents, along with those “G” and “PG” rated movies, Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street and Saturday morning cartoons all conspired to fabricate another reality - each an accomplice in the creation of the shiny happy primary-colored facade that I protected for so many years.
I’m not sure when the first crack in that façade occurred, maybe when at the age of eight I first remember hearing my parents argue or maybe when I saw my first dead animal on the road and realized that cute furry things don’t exactly survive the impact of high velocity rubber weighted down by a two ton metal carriage - Looney Tunes characters apparently did not have those much glorified regenerative powers that we were led to believe.
“Small stuff” and the idea that we are so small and insignificant relative to the world around us, comforts me in a strange way. This notion makes me think of the song “Stories of the Street” from one of my favorite song writers, Leonard Cohen. An excerpt, pretty much sums it up:
A little bit of faith in myself and my beliefs (the hexagram) and the strength I get from the companionship of my friends and loved ones (the girl) helps me to navigate through the trials and tribulations in this world while attempting to attain my goals and dreams (the wishing well) among the opportunities found in this place (the world). Although in the big picture, I am insignificant (so small between the stars), by recognizing this, I no longer try to change the world around me. Instead I make the best of my insignificance by attempting to positively impact the people closest to me - a matter of perspective (so large against the sky). And so, lost among the throngs of people whom I share this world with, I try to catch the eye of those who might see things in a similar light.
Okay, enough of the hocus pocus. At any rate, my perspective changed, and during the last thirty years I went from idealistic…to pessimistic…to realistic…to optimistic…and so, here I am, not sweating the small stuff, working hard at developing those things and people that matter most to me while giving them the necessary space and time to grow and mature on their own.
